I'm sick of being taken care of. For the past few months Quinn has done so much for me, and I'm actually sick of it. I'm sick of it all now. I don't want to be looked at as a charity case. I'm capable of taking care of myself. But why do I always ask for more? Everyday Quinn brings me bus fares, food, buys me stuff, gives me smokes.. that has to accumulate to A LOT of money. I feel really bad cause most of the time it's all stuff that I need, and I really appreciate when he does it for me.. but it's not his job. I shouldn't ask for things from him. This is a relationship, and we should both be trying to take care of ourselves.
So I think that after tomorrow I'm going to stop asking him for things unless he offers. Which he will; because he is a sweet, generous person, and he really cares for me. I know he just wants me to be happy, that's why he helps. But sometimes I wish he would stand his ground, and maybe tell me to fuck off and figure it out myself, and I'm sure I would.
I always get jealous of Lara, cause she's 18 and she's been living alone for god knows how long, but she still manages to make everything work, I really admire her courage to keep going on in life even though it ALWAYS fucks her over.
Do you know what? Lara is another one of those people that try and provide shit for me. And it really fucking pisses me off. Everyday I hang out with her (mostly), and she always provides bus fares to go where we're going, poppers, food, etc, etc. It's so fucking annoying but when I try and say no she just does it anyways! I don't know what the hell she's doing, and I know it's cause she can't say no. But I'm not used to it, and I don't like it. It makes me feel like a horrible person. Why should she have to do that? She does it for so many people and I don't want to be one of them anymore. I can pay for myself if I want to get high, I have two feet, I can walk.. If I have no money and everyone's blazing? Then leave me out, I don't fucking care. I just want to hang out with friends and have a good time. It just scares me cause I don't want her to think that I go and hang out with her everyday cause all I want is weed and shit from her. Cause that is most DEFINITELY not it.
I just want to start taking care of myself. I'm a grown ass person, and I know what I need to do with my life in order for it to get better. I need to get a job, and start saving, I need to go to school and get good grades and graduate. I'm not stupid or anything, I know this is what I have to do. Sometimes life just has other plans for me. But this year I'm not giving up on school yet again, even if life really gets to me. I'm going to use school as some form of escape from my life. So maybe by the end of the year I'll have my diploma and I can graduate and start fucking working full time and what not. No one needs to take care of me and provide for me, I'm 18, almost 19; and I'm going to start doing things for myself.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Sad, rainy day.
Wow, I haven't posted on blogger in so fucking long. My last post was from so long ago and it appears to be a sad post D:
That sucks.
Well I guess not much has changed since I last posted on here... I go to high school still and I haven't graduated yet. It really upsets me because it's not that I can't do it.. I know that I can. I'm not a fucking idiot... it's just that every time I start something always seems to come up and it ruins my life completely so I always have to start over again, and it normally begins with finding somewhere to live that's not my Mom's house. I just wish that I could keep doing it no matter what, but it get's really hard when you don't have a job cause you attend school full time, have to life off of 600$ a month, and basically cant afford shit all.. UGH WHY IS LIFE SO FUCKING HARD?!
I go to Red Hill now.. it's funny cause it's like right by BR (haha). It's an adult school and it basically allows you to graduate more quickly then a normal high school. You can get 2 credits every 6 weeks, so that's okay. The only thing that bothers me is that the teachers are all fucking morons, and I don't even know if I'm even getting a good education out of this cause the teachers seem to not know what the hell they're doing half the time.. It makes me wonder if it's even benefiting me at all..
It's really easy there cause you just sit there and work, no lessons, no listening; and I normally just whip right through it when I actually go and sit there and just zone out. School starts soon, if I stay there this whole year I should be able to fucking graduate by June (let's fucking hope).
I just recently moved back in with my Mom after not living with her for 8 months, I have to pay rent now because I have already lived on my own... yeah right. If you really want to call not having any money, food, clothes, shoes, etc for basically eight months straight then go right the hell ahead. And I love how she says it's cause I was already living on my own. HELLO YOU FUCKING KICKED ME OUT ON SEVERAL DIFFERENT OCCASIONS! Or do you not remember? Which wouldn't be surprising.....
It seems that life has really begun, and I have been way too sad to realize it. Half the time I don''t even know why I'm sad.. It just comes out of no where, like an itch or something. I don't know why it happens, and I can't control it. When it does happen, it feels like a heavy weight has been placed on my shoulders and it always seems like I'm too weak to get it off. I feel like I'm too sad to attempt to do anything and I think that I use it as an excuse to often, wait no fuck that. I AM sad, it's no excuse. But I feel like I have this huge wall in front of me, and I can't see through it, get over it or past it..I just want to know what it is, and why the fuck I can't get over whatever the hell is preventing me from doing things that normal people do.
Everything is getting to me lately. No clean clothes? Get upset about it. Think your friends hate you? Talk shit about them. Don't have a job or diploma? Do nothing about it until it makes you so upset that you want to break everything around you for feeling like such a failure. Even the fact that I've come home a few times and the most meaningless shit has been broken has set me off to a bad mood.
It seems so easy for everyone else. I don't know what it is. Do they have good endurance and will power? Do they get everything handed to them so why the fuck wouldn't they just go to school? Do they just want it over with? I don't know. But why is it so much more difficult for me to get my life going? I FUCKING HATE ALL THESE QUESTIONS.
I just wish I could go back in time and just stay with my mom, fix things, go to school, and probably be in college right now with a job or something. Jesus fucking christ ._.; why is it always me..
That sucks.
Well I guess not much has changed since I last posted on here... I go to high school still and I haven't graduated yet. It really upsets me because it's not that I can't do it.. I know that I can. I'm not a fucking idiot... it's just that every time I start something always seems to come up and it ruins my life completely so I always have to start over again, and it normally begins with finding somewhere to live that's not my Mom's house. I just wish that I could keep doing it no matter what, but it get's really hard when you don't have a job cause you attend school full time, have to life off of 600$ a month, and basically cant afford shit all.. UGH WHY IS LIFE SO FUCKING HARD?!
I go to Red Hill now.. it's funny cause it's like right by BR (haha). It's an adult school and it basically allows you to graduate more quickly then a normal high school. You can get 2 credits every 6 weeks, so that's okay. The only thing that bothers me is that the teachers are all fucking morons, and I don't even know if I'm even getting a good education out of this cause the teachers seem to not know what the hell they're doing half the time.. It makes me wonder if it's even benefiting me at all..
It's really easy there cause you just sit there and work, no lessons, no listening; and I normally just whip right through it when I actually go and sit there and just zone out. School starts soon, if I stay there this whole year I should be able to fucking graduate by June (let's fucking hope).
I just recently moved back in with my Mom after not living with her for 8 months, I have to pay rent now because I have already lived on my own... yeah right. If you really want to call not having any money, food, clothes, shoes, etc for basically eight months straight then go right the hell ahead. And I love how she says it's cause I was already living on my own. HELLO YOU FUCKING KICKED ME OUT ON SEVERAL DIFFERENT OCCASIONS! Or do you not remember? Which wouldn't be surprising.....
It seems that life has really begun, and I have been way too sad to realize it. Half the time I don''t even know why I'm sad.. It just comes out of no where, like an itch or something. I don't know why it happens, and I can't control it. When it does happen, it feels like a heavy weight has been placed on my shoulders and it always seems like I'm too weak to get it off. I feel like I'm too sad to attempt to do anything and I think that I use it as an excuse to often, wait no fuck that. I AM sad, it's no excuse. But I feel like I have this huge wall in front of me, and I can't see through it, get over it or past it..I just want to know what it is, and why the fuck I can't get over whatever the hell is preventing me from doing things that normal people do.
Everything is getting to me lately. No clean clothes? Get upset about it. Think your friends hate you? Talk shit about them. Don't have a job or diploma? Do nothing about it until it makes you so upset that you want to break everything around you for feeling like such a failure. Even the fact that I've come home a few times and the most meaningless shit has been broken has set me off to a bad mood.
It seems so easy for everyone else. I don't know what it is. Do they have good endurance and will power? Do they get everything handed to them so why the fuck wouldn't they just go to school? Do they just want it over with? I don't know. But why is it so much more difficult for me to get my life going? I FUCKING HATE ALL THESE QUESTIONS.
I just wish I could go back in time and just stay with my mom, fix things, go to school, and probably be in college right now with a job or something. Jesus fucking christ ._.; why is it always me..
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