Sad, rainy day.

Wow, I haven't posted on blogger in so fucking long. My last post was from so long ago and it appears to be a sad post D:
That sucks.

Well I guess not much has changed since I last posted on here... I go to high school still and I haven't graduated yet. It really upsets me because it's not that I can't do it.. I know that I can. I'm not a fucking idiot... it's just that every time I start something always seems to come up and it ruins my life completely so I always have to start over again, and it normally begins with finding somewhere to live that's not my Mom's house. I just wish that I could keep doing it no matter what, but it get's really hard when you don't have a job cause you attend school full time, have to life off of 600$ a month, and basically cant afford shit all.. UGH WHY IS LIFE SO FUCKING HARD?!
I go to Red Hill now.. it's funny cause it's like right by BR (haha). It's an adult school and it basically allows you to graduate more quickly then a normal high school. You can get 2 credits every 6 weeks, so that's okay. The only thing that bothers me is that the teachers are all fucking morons, and I don't even know if I'm even getting a good education out of this cause the teachers seem to not know what the hell they're doing half the time.. It makes me wonder if it's even benefiting me at all..
It's really easy there cause you just sit there and work, no lessons, no listening; and I normally just whip right through it when I actually go and sit there and just zone out. School starts soon, if I stay there this whole year I should be able to fucking graduate by June (let's fucking hope).

I just recently moved back in with my Mom after not living with her for 8 months, I have to pay rent now because I have already lived on my own... yeah right. If you really want to call not having any money, food, clothes, shoes, etc for basically eight months straight then go right the hell ahead. And I love how she says it's cause I was already living on my own. HELLO YOU FUCKING KICKED ME OUT ON SEVERAL DIFFERENT OCCASIONS! Or do you not remember? Which wouldn't be surprising.....

It seems that life has really begun, and I have been way too sad to realize it. Half the time I don''t even know why I'm sad.. It just comes out of no where, like an itch or something. I don't know why it happens, and I can't control it. When it does happen, it feels like a heavy weight has been placed on my shoulders and it always seems like I'm too weak to get it off. I feel like I'm too sad to attempt to do anything and I think that I use it as an excuse to often, wait no fuck that. I AM sad, it's no excuse. But I feel like I have this huge wall in front of me, and I can't see through it, get over it or past it..I just want to know what it is, and why the fuck I can't get over whatever the hell is preventing me from doing things that normal people do.

Everything is getting to me lately. No clean clothes? Get upset about it. Think your friends hate you? Talk shit about them. Don't have a job or diploma? Do nothing about it until it makes you so upset that you want to break everything around you for feeling like such a failure. Even the fact that I've come home a few times and the most meaningless shit has been broken has set me off to a bad mood.

It seems so easy for everyone else. I don't know what it is. Do they have good endurance and will power? Do they get everything handed to them so why the fuck wouldn't they just go to school? Do they just want it over with? I don't know. But why is it so much more difficult for me to get my life going? I FUCKING HATE ALL THESE QUESTIONS.

I just wish I could go back in time and just stay with my mom, fix things, go to school, and probably be in college right now with a job or something. Jesus fucking christ ._.; why is it always me..