I'm sick of being taken care of. For the past few months Quinn has done so much for me, and I'm actually sick of it. I'm sick of it all now. I don't want to be looked at as a charity case. I'm capable of taking care of myself. But why do I always ask for more? Everyday Quinn brings me bus fares, food, buys me stuff, gives me smokes.. that has to accumulate to A LOT of money. I feel really bad cause most of the time it's all stuff that I need, and I really appreciate when he does it for me.. but it's not his job. I shouldn't ask for things from him. This is a relationship, and we should both be trying to take care of ourselves.
So I think that after tomorrow I'm going to stop asking him for things unless he offers. Which he will; because he is a sweet, generous person, and he really cares for me. I know he just wants me to be happy, that's why he helps. But sometimes I wish he would stand his ground, and maybe tell me to fuck off and figure it out myself, and I'm sure I would.
I always get jealous of Lara, cause she's 18 and she's been living alone for god knows how long, but she still manages to make everything work, I really admire her courage to keep going on in life even though it ALWAYS fucks her over.
Do you know what? Lara is another one of those people that try and provide shit for me. And it really fucking pisses me off. Everyday I hang out with her (mostly), and she always provides bus fares to go where we're going, poppers, food, etc, etc. It's so fucking annoying but when I try and say no she just does it anyways! I don't know what the hell she's doing, and I know it's cause she can't say no. But I'm not used to it, and I don't like it. It makes me feel like a horrible person. Why should she have to do that? She does it for so many people and I don't want to be one of them anymore. I can pay for myself if I want to get high, I have two feet, I can walk.. If I have no money and everyone's blazing? Then leave me out, I don't fucking care. I just want to hang out with friends and have a good time. It just scares me cause I don't want her to think that I go and hang out with her everyday cause all I want is weed and shit from her. Cause that is most DEFINITELY not it.
I just want to start taking care of myself. I'm a grown ass person, and I know what I need to do with my life in order for it to get better. I need to get a job, and start saving, I need to go to school and get good grades and graduate. I'm not stupid or anything, I know this is what I have to do. Sometimes life just has other plans for me. But this year I'm not giving up on school yet again, even if life really gets to me. I'm going to use school as some form of escape from my life. So maybe by the end of the year I'll have my diploma and I can graduate and start fucking working full time and what not. No one needs to take care of me and provide for me, I'm 18, almost 19; and I'm going to start doing things for myself.
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