I don't know how we survived such violent episodes.

I have a funny feeling that tonight I won't be able to get many hours of sleep.
But that's okay. I'm used to this kind of thing.

I'm trying to walk lightly throughout my house. (It's a creaky, loud, house..)
She's just gone to sleep (more like passed out) & I don't need her waking up again. It wouldn't be nice.. She'd just slur random things or mumble something about me under her breathe, and then yell at me some more. Even though I did absolutely nothing to upset her in the first place.

In fact, it's quite the contrary.. but whatever.

What a wonderful life I live where I'm blamed for things just for the simple fact that no one else wants to be responsible for what has and is continuing to happen..

I feel, well I don't know how I feel. It's not quite my normal feeling.. I guess I'll settle with.. it's a weird feeling.

I'm not exactly sick.. but I have this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes it seem like I am.
Maybe I'm anxious or nervous.
But for what?

I don't really have anything to be anxious about. I mean, I'm usually an anxious person.. So I'm kind of used to it by now. (That makes no sense, I just said that I had nothing to be anxious about.. but I'm normally anxious.. Ah, whatever)

I feel so empty, but I don't even know why. It's taking a lot to not break down and cry when I have so many reasons why I should just give in.

I refuse to though. It makes me feel like I'm weak :\.
I've gone through so much, & it's all made me stronger.

A lot stronger.

To break down over such a ridiculous thing such as what has happened for the past few days.. is embarrassing.

I could understand if it was legitimately worse than it is now.

But now?

It just seems kind of, ..stupid.

Like a huge waste of time. Crying doesn't solve anything.. it just makes me feel sorry for myself. I could be doing so much more with my life, but I'm just ..not.

There's no reason to feel sorry for myself.. If I'm not really doing anything about it.

If I cry and feel sorry for myself.. I'll just deteriorate. My strength will weaken.. and then I'll give up.

Then everything I worked hard to fix, will slip away.

I've already been through that. I decided that I didn't like it.. So I'm not going back to that.

I can't give up anymore. Especially under these circumstances. Even though she totally blames me for everything, makes me do everything for myself, and makes me take care of her too; I just can't leave her alone to fight this by herself.

(Even though, lately it's just been her surrendering, leaving me to ..fight ..with her.)

So, I've come to the conclusion, that I feel trapped & isolated.

No one can relate to me, or I haven't met them yet.
No one can help me, or give me some useful advice.

I'm kind of just winging it. By myself.

It sucks. A lot.

I just want my old life back. I hope you guys know that what you have is really important, it's something that I'm lacking; and I'm jealous of you every minute.